Monday, July 25, 2011

Experts: Drone Strike Has the 'Hallmark of al-Qaeda'

A missile from what witnesses described as an unmanned aerial vehicle left dozens of people dead and countless more injured in Pakistan's volatile tribal region this morning, a deadly strike that experts say shows all the classic signs of Islamic terrorism.

Carried out just before dawn, Pakistani officials say the attack killed at least 55 people, including dozens of women and children. According to experts, the obvious ruthlessness and casual disregard for innocent life are clear signs al-Qaeda – or maybe some other Muslims – were behind the strike.

“Killing people is a tried and true tactic of Islamists,” said One Important Expert who picked up the telephone. Indeed, the expert notes al-Qaeda first burst onto the scene with the novel idea of taking the lives of others with the bombing of the USS Cole in 2000 – the first recorded intentional killings since the time of Jesus Christ, renowned savior and author of the Declaration of Independence.

“9/11 was the culmination of their chilling 'kill people' approach to warfare,” the expert said. “That human beings were deliberately blown to bits bears the hallmark of al-Qaeda,” he added. “For sure.”

Another Serious Counter-Terrorism Analyst whose daughter showed him how to use Google Translate said that a previously unknown terror group, “Concerned Islamists of Arabia,” had claimed responsibility for the attack in a posting on an Arabic language forum for fans of the cartoon, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Or maybe somebody retweeted it or who knows?

“While the facts aren't all in, the posting strongly suggests an Islamic hoof in the attacks,” said the expert, attributing the strike to “lingering and widespread anger in the Muslim world over Twilight Sparkle's pretty implausible dialogue in 'The Cutie Mark Chronicles.'” The expert added that the perpetrators may be a splinter group associated with Islamic Jihad, Hezbollah, Hamas or the the guy he sat next to on the Megabus to New York who his friends said kind of looked like Osama.

An effort to verify the experts' claims and engage in responsible journalism was not attempted by press time.


  1. Yes, since Al Qaeda has predator drones...

  2. hungryghoast10:12 AM

    Looks like Skyler didn't get it...

  3. If the Miami-Dade police department can have drones, so can a group of terrorist masterminds who will stop at nothing to see Sharia Law(tm) implemented at every PTA meeting and Kiwanis pancake breakfast west of Medina.

  4. Todd, I do not care how late you are running in the morning, you simply MUST stop drying your hair in the microwave oven!

  5. Anonymous2:41 PM

    Maybe the ATF Fast and Furious goes a little further than what we know. Give AQ some predators so we can trace them.

  6. Anonymous2:50 PM

    It does not matter what happens in our Middle East Adventures, the US will continue to support endless Wars for Israel, it all started nearly a decade ago under a false flag attack.
    9/11 and Israel, here:

  7. I wish I could write like this. Brilliant.

  8. Anonymous3:54 PM

    Why can't al-CIA-duh not have predictor drones?
    They are part of a government that had shuttle craft capable of space flight up until just a few days ago.

  9. Sometime back in the early 70s, in their News section (sort of a predecessor of The Onion), National Lampoon reported that 2 million bodies had been found in an mass grave in South Vietnam. Officials said, "It looks like the work of a madman."

    I'm quoting (and summarizing) from memory, though I might still have that issue somewhere. Yes, I'm old.

  10. "I wish I could write like this. Brilliant."

    Yeah, this really is inspired. Not a bitingly satirical hair out of place.

  11. Anonymous10:12 PM

    Fantastic. The Onion should hire you.

  12. Anonymous2:05 PM

    "...the first recorded intentional killings since the time of Jesus Christ, renowned savior and author of the Declaration of Independence."


  13. zilcho12:14 AM

    If you aren't careful, the mainstream press might pick this up.

    And before you recall how suspiciously like your joke the news sounds, before you can scream "jeeeezus al Qay has drones! We gotta nuke em"

    Before any of that, the nukes will already be flying.

    Loose lips don't sink ships anymore. They eradicate peoples.

  14. Anonymous4:18 PM

    This "post" is an obvious forgery stolen by Mr. Davis who, apparently unable to create anything himself, copy and pasted this from the Daily Eyes Of The Great Leader from Pyongyang.

  15. Anonymous11:16 PM

    OP did you even watch the Cutie Mark Chronicles? If you had, you wouldn't be joking around! Twilight Sparkles' dialogue wasn't just implausible - it was a crime against humanity. You should be ashamed of yourself for making light of an issue so many Bronies feel so strongly about!